really bad: Captain Alejandro Kirk requested to depart because of…

Blue Jays respond to Yankees’ Juan Soto trade with absurdly basic stadium addition

In Toronto, a new day has begun. a new beginning. an updated trailer for the film. The addition that Canadians from Manitoba to Moosejaw have been waiting a long offseason for is now officially here.

The Rogers Centre cupholders.

Yes, it is correct. Instead of acquiring Shohei Ohtani, the Blue Jays revealed last week—in a Tweet Bomb that sent 1,000 people into a tailspin—that they had installed cupholders all over the 100 Level bowl in response to fan inquiries.

The chorus that followed, “You guys… didn’t… have that already?” reverberated with such force that a minor earthquake was felt.

Perhaps Alek Manoah tore out every original cupholder during a protracted meltdown the previous year? Perhaps John Schneider, the manager, prohibited them? Ultimately, cups typically hold calorically-dense beverages like beer or soda. It’s possible that he was sick of calling his guys “fat boys.”

The Blue Jays retaliate with new cupholders to the Yankees’ trade of Juan Soto.
Yes, they did indeed beg for it. After the Sky Dome was completed, they requested it. Where had all those cups been kept before? Breaks? Ice water and hot coffee? Think not. Were all Toronto cups confined to that valuable space called Next to Feet? It’s so risky; a foot may move at any moment. A Molson might be turned into Ground Soup with a one kick.

After the team won the 1992 World Series, installing cupholders ought to have been the franchise’s major announcement. Rather, in some way, fans were left wanting until 2024. It makes sense why Shohei flipped his jet and installed the “Shark Tank” person on it.

Excellent query. We now need a second cupholder on each seat. I apologize for forcing you to complete the task again, cupholder man.

Are there further Canucks hands that I’m not aware of? Do they find it simpler to balance cups than the rest of us? Did they simply never bring up the issue, or were they bothered by the lack of cupholders for decades?

“Hey, look. No place for my cup to go. It’s alright. Whoops, I spilled my cup’s contents! It’s alright. I need to walk back to the aisle and buy more, but before I can, I stumbled and cut my lip on the icy cement. Oh no!”

We are grateful for the ticket price hike. If not, the aforementioned situation would have persisted every day, as I assume it has done from 1989 till the present.

And wait, there are now cupholders for the 100 level installed. The glitterati are given their trophies. Are there still no cupholders on the top deck?

Toronto, what are we doing? Rogers, what are we doing? You are a veritable monopoly, don’t you? You can manage to find enough money, I’m sure, to pay for the labor and plastic required to outfit the entire stadium with this basic contemporary amenity.

Sharks, That’s all I’m asking for—a 10% investment in my cupholder strategy. If you say yes, I’ll get off Shohei’s plane and go away from you, you One Particular Shark.